Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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