Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
