Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
bring money and cleavage
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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