I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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