Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
