I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
