Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize