i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
