I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
