So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
