if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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