i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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