There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
