I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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