It's like God shit irony all over that family
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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