we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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