my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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