My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
organizing the empties. That sober.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
