he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
