I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
