Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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