I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
