Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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