i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Couch. On fire.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
