I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
