He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
