I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
