I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My vagina is officially offended.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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