I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
