Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
