What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
