Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
