You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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