i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
