And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
