Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
