He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
