Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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