things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
