I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
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