i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize