Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
