So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
