I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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