He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
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