my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
