dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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