My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
