at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
