I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
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