Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
