also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
