This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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