So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
