Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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