He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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