I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
